There is probably no better way to insure a memorable visit to Mexico than to bone up on and polish some social skills that are so important in Mexican society. Even though Mexicans who have frequent contact with tourists, seem to glide through things with grace and a gentle smile, you can widen that smile to ear-to-ear just by knowing and applying some habits and conformities that are in everyday use south of the border.
EXTREME POLITENESS IS THE NORM
Nothing surprises Americans more than to witness two Mexicans who hate each other's guts, acknowledge each other's presence with polite smiles and salutations. To be rude would be considered barbaric and this is something that is not done. American strangers, much to a Mexican's amazement, greet each other with a sense of familiarity that Mexicans would use only after knowing the other person for many years. I always greet a Mexican friend or stranger with identical formality. If the friend dismisses the formality by replying in a less formal manner, then I adopt the less formal manner.
BEING SHORT AND DIRECT IS CONSIDERED RUDE
Several years ago I became lost while driving in suburban Guadalajara. Spotting a man carrying a briefcase from office to car, I stopped and rolled down the window:
"Buenas Tardes senor"
(Buenas Tardes vsted)
"Como esta usted" How are you?
(Muy bien gracias a Dios) Very well, thanks to God
"Tengo pregunta" I have a question
(Adelante) Go ahead
"Estoy perdido. Buscando a carretera quince" I'm lost. I am looking for highway 15
(A si! Pues) Ah yes! Well...
If I had merely rolled down the window and yelled (in Spanish) "Hey buddy, where the hell is Mexico 15?" the chances are he would have wrinkled his eyebrows in disgust and kept walking. Even in twenty-first century Mexico, politeness rules and formality is the key to bridging the cultural gap.
Note: You don't need to speak Spanish to observe social etiquette regarding politeness and formality. If using a third party for interpretation you can state your salutations and manners in English and they will be properly transcribed and appreciated.
SHAKE HANDS GENTLY
Mexican men consider knuckle-busting handshakes to be domineering and incredibly rude. Be a man and shake hands like a wimp. I even shake hands with a traffic cop who has stopped me for something (and after shaking hands and chatting for awhile they usually let me go with a warning) dumb like turning incorrectly up a one-way street. And like vocal salutations, I continue to shake hands with folks that I've known even for years. Mexicans can be disarmingly informal at times but as a rule love pomp and pageantry when dealing with others. I use handshakes and formal salutations when dealing with beach merchants, city merchants, hotel concierges, RV park managers, mechanics, and even waiters.
BEING INDIRECT
It seems as though the campesinos (country folk) are the most steeped in formal tradition. I've been in conversations where at least three or four bushes had to be beat around before the real subject appeared (as if by magic). In these cases I let the conversation amble and ramble about knowing that sooner or later we'll get to a substantive subject. I plaster a smile on my face the whole time.
WHO ARE THOSE WEIRD PEOPLE IN THAT CASAMOVILE?
I'm ashamed to have to admit this but I have become really embarrassed when sitting with Mexican friends and a motorhome or trailered RV rolls by and the occupants are glaring out a window like a bandit attack was expected at any moment. People watching is a great and highly developed art in Mexico and there's nothing like spotting tourists who act like they are easy prey on the Serengetti. If a wave is given from a half-million dollar pusher diesel RV, residents of an entire poverty-stricken village worth half that much will wave back and they mean it. If you should stop, you may become inundated with trinket salesmen and tortillas hawkers, but first they want your friendship (and secondly, perhaps if it's a good day, some of your pesos).
MOSTLY CONSERVATIVE FOLK
For decades images of border town Mexico were reported to consist of falling down drunk Americans crawling their way between cantina and house of ill-repute. Unfortunately this sleazy image gradually came to encompass the entire country and many visitors who discover just the opposite are generally shocked at the level of conservatism in Mexico. If you drink in public (some fiestas excepted) you can expect to be arrested. Away from the beach and outside of tourist areas, shorts are frowned on (downtown), and public nudity is an outrage usually punished with swift deportation. Loud and boisterous conduct among gringos on the sidewalk is at the minimum considered tacky and sometimes if loud shouting and pushing (however friendly) is involved it will bring the police. When visiting a church (No shorts, or inappropriate dress) proper "reverence" for the state of tranquility is required.
SOMBER MEXICO?
Indeed No! Once the formalities and introductions have been exchanged then things can go in whatever direction the winds take them. Many Mexicans will be extremely shocked (and pleased) when given a formal salutation of greeting and this can be unpredictable perhaps leading to a visit to their house or even an invitation to dinner or a family party.
WHEN DEPARTING
It is also customary to "beg one's leave" when exiting a conversation or group (on the street, at a communal table in a restaurant, etc). The easiest way is to learn the phrase
"Con permiso?" Cone pair-MEE-so?
This will usually evoke a response of
Andele (Go ahead) or Propio (It's your right)
RESPECT
Mexicans are hyper-sensitive to an apparent lack of (or the presence of) respect. Words need to be spoken but they will be searching your eyes and watching for body language that would suggest something almost subliminal. Mexican self-esteem has been characterized by Nobel prize winning Mexican writers as being far too low for the good of the country. Mexicans are quick to criticize their country and society and in the same breath turn around and defend it. When an American demonstrates friendship, no holds barred, and dang everything else, the response can be endearing to the point of changing your life and certainly your perception of our wonderful neighbors.
As was pointed out in part I, Mexican social habits and traditions differ from American and Canadian habits and traditions. Even when a social gaff is committed Mexicans will normally just keep smiling and perhaps will offer a tip if they speak English.
All Types Of Personalities
The title of this paragraph could also read "Mexicans Are Only Human". Type A personalities exist all over the globe and Mexico is no exception. Therefore it is important to realize that someone who is having a bad day will definitely not smile and wave back. Just a few weeks before writing this article I got stuck in a very long line of cargo trucks that had halted because of an accident that blocked the roadway. After asking around I discovered that there was a dirt side road right at the front of the line that led to an informal bypass of the scene. The big cargo trucks waiting in line wouldn't fit on the road, so a friend and I pulled out only to stop because the driver of the truck ahead of us stood in the middle of the oncoming lane. He glared at us as we inched forward. He then made a statement indicating that if the big trucks "had to stop and wait then everyone should stop and wait". I could see cars exiting from our lane onto the dirt road and so I kept my cool and kept saying senor and por favor (please). After stalling for another couple of minutes he finally relented after other truck drivers pleaded with him to let us pass. We exited the road a hundred feet distant from the actual scene of the overturned big rig and then managed to get to our destination before dark. The point here should be that until you familiarize yourself a little with a strange culture, you tend to be hyper-sensitive to social events. And I've seen quite a few tourists over the years who bumped into a type A personality take the minor event personally. I shine on obvious jerks in the USA and I do the same in Mexico. Lucky for me I don't run into jerks too often south-of-the-border.
"Too Many Questions, An American Habit"
Mexicans tend to ask strangers few questions and they get a bit perturbed if bombarded with a list of questions about a particular subject. "How many people live in this village, or how many kilometers does this river flow?" may bring forth a shrug or a look of indifference. To assuage the cultural difference in question asking, I'll tend to first state "I have a question". Then I will let my mental Geiger counter take over and watch for not only a verbal answer but body language that may indicate discomfort. I will also state "Es nuestro costumbre (it's our custom)". By the same token when I invite my Mexican neighbors to my campsite or into my RV, I'll carefully explain that it is also our custom to ask many questions -- we consider that to be polite because it shows interest. I smile the whole time which is like a green light to keep folks at ease.
But a caveat must be added here that specifically separates what is considered a "spurious question" from a real need to know. If you are lost, looking for an RV park, need medical help or other assistance, the Mexicans will tend to plunge right in with an almost overwhelming sense of duty and hospitality. It's only when the conversation drifts to questions like ("I wonder how many hydroelectric generators that dam over there has?", that eyebrows will raise and hands will be lifted in the classic (who knows?) shrug.
Families And Relatives
The "Family Unit" is alive and well in Mexico. Mexicans tend to be so traditional that many wouldn't dream of visiting Acapulco, say, unless a relative lived there. Sunday is the only full day off for many Mexican workers and the day is spent with family. Although it is slightly less true today than it was even ten years ago, Mexican children tend to play only with brothers and sisters and cousins. The older brother or sister with the largest home usually plays host to a family get together every weekend with as many as twenty or thirty relatives.
The Macho Mexican Male
Both sexes especially from adolescence to middle age, tend to exaggerate masculinity and femininity sometimes to the point of being almost ludicrous. Many times in the supermarket a question to another shopper (a Mexican woman) will go unanswered or even ignored. Mexican males tend to act almost like adolescents around women especially striking looking women. Cat calls, whistles, and whispered lewd comments are the norm and Mexican women tend to ignore them like they didn't exist. Oncoming drivers race each other to a one-lane bridge with the idea that "second place always loses face". Thousands of small shrines (called "capillas" (tiny chapels) commemorate the losers especially on steep grades and sharp curves. But "machismo" as it is called is alive and well in Mexico and you should be aware of it and also aware that it is virtually impossible to change things. I relegate the subject of macho males to the same department as I do for a buzzing mosquito or too sour a margarita.
If a woman is both young and beautiful she can expect having unwanted attention and if she is blond, young and beautiful, expect the response to be even stronger. Bare skin only compounds the problem. My advice for females of the younger generation is to be aware of this situation and when going shopping, perhaps putting up the hair in a bun and then changing to less revealing clothes. Do as the Mexican women do and absolutely ignore any hisses, comments and snide remarks from Mexican men. Physical danger is slight during the day but keep in mind that nocturnal romeos will consider any solitary female "fair game". Unfortunately Mexican men seem to have difficulty judging the age of an American teenager and many men will approach a thirteen year old thinking her to be much older. This certainly should not dissuade anyone from taking daughters or grand daughters to Mexico, because actual danger is extremely unlikely, bu! t it can never be entirely discounted either. Teenagers should mimic Mexican women and older American women as well and ignore "propios" (catcalls).
Mexican Hosting And Hospitality
Mexicans love to host and have company and dinner guests. Don't be surprised if at some point in your Mexico travels someone, somewhere offers an invitation. They are never given spuriously so please treat the invite as a special event. When a Mexican invites you to their house they expect to provide you with every single thing that you may need so don't be surprised to be doted over. Mexicans are incredibly sensitive and hyper-aware of the differences of wealth of themselves and their visitors. I cannot count the number of times that the head of household or spouse apologized for their poverty. Having gained some experience in this somewhat uncomfortable position of being like visiting royalty, I can tell you for a fact that a quick diversion of subject to something like "It's the family that is important and not it's possessions", will make the tiny cloud pass from in front of the sun in a hurry. The family unit is the most important aspect of Mexican social culture. Remembering the unwritten rule about asking too many off-the-wall questions, I generally bring a photo album or other material from home that opens up the subject of "How big, how many, and how far" which is thought of differently than just blurting out questions. "Show and tell" I call it, and coffee table books about America, the land, the cuisine, ranches and farms, make a great gift. These kinds of things are ice breakers and can lead to an evening filled with productive conversation.
Mexicans are hyper-sensitive to the subjects of corruption, government boondoggles, and nationalism. I stay far away from talking about the government, illegal immigration, periodic blackouts in the electrical system and other criticisms (unless of course the hosts bridges the subject themselves). If you should start talking about problems in your own country you will find your listeners gathering close -- this is juicy gossip that will be repeated over-and-over again. I figure that America is strong enough to withstand my gossiping about Florida presidential ballot irregularities, and firestorms in Yellowstone National Park, and occasional corrupt politician. I remember one fateful winter's eve where I sat watching "ABSCAM" unfold in which members of the US congress were caught on videotape stuffing wads of sting cash into clothing and briefcases. My hosts just hooted and rolled on the floor with undisguised delight. ! Wiping his eyes with a handkerchief, Guadalupe turned to me and gasped "I wonder if Mexico can borrow those cameras".
The Discovery
It is after the visitor categorizes and sorts and sifts through a pile of sensory raw data and find a basic underlying characteristic that your perception of Mexico will change permanently. The country is filled with honest hard-working people that wish to make friends with you -- friendship for friendship's sake. When the heart and soul of Mexico reaches out and caress you, it will leave a mark that will endure for a long, long, time.
Mexico has lovely palm fringed beaches, soaring Aztec temples, jungle, sagebrush and towering volcanos. But her real treasure are her people. And while the following seems like a blanket condemnation on the other hand, I have never felt a similar warmth in Mexican barrios in the US. Mexicans refer to Mexicans in the US as "The Third Culture".
I have found it easier to navigate and relax in the county and it is there that "old-fashioned Mexico" can be found. Old fashioned Mexico is steeped in culture that is even more exotic than what I have described. I mean how in the World can anyone resist going to Mexico?
Saludos!